Uniquely Yours, 004: I Am Brave

Uniquely Yours, 

004: “I Am Brave” by Angela DiMarco

I want to tell you a story about a baby named Joshua. 

On the morning of August 28, 2019 (my 45th birthday), I was ‘late’ and decided to take a pregnancy test. I didn’t think it was possible because it took a little bit of science and a whole lot of faith to bring our 1 year old Christian into the world, but as you can guess, I saw two lines. I was pregnant and it was the best birthday present a girl could hope for!

As the weeks progressed, our tiny miracle grew from a peanut to an avocado, hitting every milestone as expected. We thought of names and researched bigger SUVs. We discussed where to put a second crib in our two-bedroom apartment to accommodate our growing family of five. I daydreamed about road trips with three kids and how nice it would be for Christian to have a little sibling to play with once his older sister would go off to college. After the suggested 12-week wait when all tests were in and everything was moving merrily along, I announced the pregnancy on Facebook on Halloween.

Then I started to bleed. It was a little at first so my doctor put me on bedrest. I sought advice from the good old internet and sought hope from friends who had successful births after being in my similar situation. Each week, I went to my doctor for an ultrasound and each week, our little boy was just fine in his little bubble. The source of the bleeding wasn’t found, so as long as the baby was okay and I was okay, we just kept an eye on things and prayed. A lot.

On December 2, I went to the ER because the bleeding was scary bad and the doctor told me I was losing amniotic fluid. Still in complete denial that anything could go wrong, my husband and I went to see a specialist on December 3, and while I was getting the ultrasound and hearing his very healthy heart beat, the doctor told me to rush to the hospital because I was losing the baby, that there wasn’t even time to call an ambulance.

Dave rushed me to the car in the provided wheelchair and drove us to the hospital 5 minutes away. On the way there, I called my mom and asked her to go to my house and be with Mattie, who was 14 yrs old at the time, and the sitter to stay with Christian until my mom got to my house. Then, as we pulled up to the hospital, my son slipped out. Dave put me in a wheelchair and ran me to the ER as we experienced a living nightmare, screaming in sheer devastation. There was nothing that could be done to save the baby, he just wasn’t cooked enough to survive outside the womb. 

Joshua was “born sleeping” as they say at 18.4 weeks gestation, and was 9 ounces and 6.5 inches long. He had 10 fingers and 10 toes. He was perfect. No abnormalities. Nothing that answered our questions, “Why? How? There has to be a reason, right?”

The nurses were incredible. I can’t remember names or faces, but I deeply appreciate the one nurse who held my hand the whole time, telling me how brave I was, how I will be okay. Her words were comforting and grounding as I sobbed from the bottom of my being. She dressed Joshua up in a tiny diaper, tiny hat, wrapped him in a beautifully crocheted blanket* and brought him to Dave and I to hold and to say goodbye. His hand was the size of my fingernail and he was honestly a little weird looking but I could see what he would’ve become. That sweet nurse took photos for us, footprints and wrote his birth stats on a card for us. We were given grief pamphlets and a priest came to bless the baby. My dear father in law came to the hospital and was an enormous support for us. Honestly, the hardest part of that day was leaving the hospital without my baby, and the second hardest part was seeing Mattie and feeling like I failed not only Joshua, but her as well. 

While pregnant with both Christian and Mattie, I never had complications, so it wasn’t even in my awareness that something could go wrong. What did us in was a placental hemorrhage and nothing could be done about it. Of course I still say from time to time, “if only I stayed in bed more, or didn’t hold Christian that one time, or didn’t go out of the house like I was told not to do,” but at the end of the day, I (now) accept that this was not my fault, not my doing. It is just something that happened and I am only responsible for my response to this trauma.

The day after was surreal. Dave stayed home from work so we could spend the day together as a family. That morning, my mom called and told me to turn on the TV — my sort-of-cousin’s baby daddy was on News 12 being arrested for child pornography! We had just spent Thanksgiving with this person and here he was going off to jail. Despite my microcosm suffering an unimaginable tragedy, that arrest became the topic of discussion amongst my extended family for the months that followed and my little Joshua and what we had just experienced was secondary if not tertiary. 

Despite the bizarre news that momentarily took us outside of our grief, we were all pretty zombified just trying to make it through the minutes. Since I didn’t feel like cooking and we were all pretty hungry, Dave took us to a little restaurant that was pretty empty. Our waiter lingered at our table trying to make conversation that none of us were up for, and when our food finally came out, he just stood there leaning on the wall trying to think of something to say to us. Out of nowhere, our little, 1.5 yr old Christian looked at the waiter squarely and said loudly and firmly, “Bye!!!” and the waiter, looking quite shocked, walked off. I think I shot seltzer out of my nose — we were all laughing so hard we had tears rolling down our cheeks!

While the grief of losing the baby was so heavy and the pain unbearable, as the days turned into weeks and my body recovered, I realized that our little angel baby brought the four of us closer together than ever before. My bosses were incredibly supportive, allowing me to take all the time I needed before returning to work. I talked to women in support groups (honestly, thank you Facebook) and I was present not only for my own process, but to help Mattie through it as well. Dave and I leaned on each other like we never had before, and Dave and Mattie’s relationship became stronger.

Something awoke in me through it as well. I began to question the world around me. I started to see videos about esoteric “witchy” stuff like starseeds, manifestation and vibrations. My curiosity of the metaphysical world helped me crawl out of the grief and helped me feel more connected to Joshua, so I chased it vigorously. I started paying attention to my dreams and who I would ‘meet’ there. Josh and I would play games with double numbers on my drives to work. I felt him with me in a spiritual sense and it comforted me. I was even able to speak with Mattie about him in a way that he was still with us, but just as an angel, and she would share her experiences of seeing and feeling him, and because I was receptive to the mysticalness of it all, it was uplifting and it was pure love. 

In September 2020, I reconnected with my long-lost SDT sorority sister Dana Sardano (ubuntufishgallery.com) and commissioned her to paint a painting of how I am with my three children today. That painting led to Dana and I reconnecting and put us on the path that led where we are today, having built this amazing platform together. 

As painful as it was, I will never regret a moment of this entire experience. Joshua has taken me on an amazing journey of self discovery and has been my guide through everything, from becoming this best version of myself to building this extraordinary business. Uniquely U. in essence is my way of helping everyone find and connect with their guides, whether it be their higher selves or loved ones who have passed who are trying to help but can’t get past the clutter of the human mind. 

Fun fact: I left my 6-figure job to pursue Uniquely U. full time last year. My last day? December 3, 2021, which I’ve officially coined “Joshua Day” — exactly two years from the day he was born sleeping. Everything I do for Uniquely U. is dedicated to my children, all three of them. Joshua helped make it all happen and the UU. community is representative of the world I want Mattie and Christian to live in.

By following what felt good, fun, intriguing, even mystical, I found such joy in seeing a butterfly or consecutive numbers or a stunning sunset. Everything became a sign for me, all for my highest good — all I needed to do was pay attention to the messages. Uniquely U. provides a space for you to declutter your mind, play with childlike abandon and allow your guides to show you clarity and infinite wisdom. Life becomes truly magical when we start to pay attention.

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* Angel Blankets are created by loving women and sent to hospitals for this very occasion. Please consider donating to http://angelblankets.org/ If you know how to crochet, you can volunteer through the facebook group: https://www.facebook.com/groups/1473729312876720 

On October 25, 1988, President Reagan designated the entire month of October 1988 as Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month. On that day he said: “When a child loses his parent, they are called an orphan. When a spouse loses her or his partner, they are called a widow or widower. When parents lose their child, there isn’t a word to describe them. This month recognizes the loss so many parents experience across the United States and around the world. It is also meant to inform and provide resources for parents who have lost children due to miscarriage, ectopic pregnancy, molar pregnancy, stillbirths, birth defects, SIDS, and other causes. Now, therefore, I, Ronald Reagan, President of the United States of America, do hereby proclaim the month of October as Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month. I call upon the people of the United States to observe this month with appropriate programs, ceremonies, and activities.” source

#Pregnancy&InfantLossAwarenessMonth