Uniquely Yours, 002: I Am Worthy

Uniquely Yours, 

002: “I Am Worthy” by Angela DiMarco

As I progress merrily along on my spiritual journey, I’m starting to see myself as the lead actor in a  movie. Only recently have I become more aware of this, but prior, I swear I was that character who people would yell, “Don’t go in there alone, you idiot! There’s a  guy with a giant knife ready to stab you in the back!” As observers, we can call out the foreshadowing in other people’s lives, and we can think we know what is best for them because we can see the big picture, but when you are the one IN the story and wrapped up in its endless plot twists and turns, well, you just don’t know what you don’t know until you know it, ya know? 

That ‘finally knowing’ part comes to me by way of a few good twat punches (a phrase coined by my girl Dana Sardano in her life-altering book Ten Recommandments for Personal Empowerment.) It takes more extreme circumstances for me to really ‘know’ in my heart of hearts that something needs to be learned and overcome, but once I know, I roll up my sleeves and get to work.

The most recent and maybe most life-changing twat punch occurred this past June. During the months prior, the curtain had been slowly lifted to reveal the true nature of my relationships with my mother, aunt and siblings. While observing everyone’s behavior and how I felt around them, I could not unsee and unknow the truth of the matter, which boiled down to one simple fact: I lacked worthiness (to be loved, to feel safe, to be myself) due to these dysfunctional relationships that were literally as old as I was. 

Just to be clear, as I retell the events that led up to this revelation, please know that I am not pointing fingers or blaming anyone and I will not go into details in an effort to respect other people’s privacy. Just know that I know that this is all a matter of circumstance and of everyone doing the best they could with what they had, and the shift in these relationships was because I changed. I am the one who flipped the script because I  was tired of playing the role I had played my whole life. 

For context, by the time I was 8 years old, my mother was on her third marriage. Between her relationships, visiting my father or being watched by my grandparents, I had at least seven different places where I fell asleep over those formative years. From my earliest memories at three or four years old, I remember always playing by myself and always feeling like I was a burden to my mother, and to my father for that matter, always trying to show them both how good I could be, or how adorable I could be in front of their friends. I don’t think I was ever asked if I wanted to move or be in a family with a strange man or whatever. I was just carted around with the furniture, put in a new space and arranged so as to fit as best I could. I know my basic needs of food, shelter, healthcare and clothing were met, and my grandparents, aunt and uncle were more than enough love to make up for what was lacking, or so it seemed. 

This feeling of always needing to be whatever someone needed at the time carried well into my adulthood. I never felt worthy to express my opinions, or even to have opinions for that matter. I became a chameleon and fit in with whatever group of people I spent time with (friends, coworkers, family.) If we all liked the same things, how could they not love me, right? Especially if I bent over backwards for them to the detriment of my own happiness and safety! If anyone needed anything, I was there —helping them move when I had to hire movers when it was my turn, paying for shit when I didn’t have a pot to pee in, overcompensating for their shortcomings, defending indefensible behaviors — all because all I deeply desired was to feel loved and appreciated.  

No one, including myself, knew the real me. No one. The closest person in my life with whom I could be myself the most was my brother Jack. When I was going through my most broken, most lonely years (basically all of my 20s), we bonded through playing music and hanging out every day. He was my best friend and his best friends became my best friends, even though they were eight years younger than me. I didn’t have relationships of any substance and reciprocity until well into my early 40’s.

Our relationship started to fizzle around the time I got sober at 35 years old. Once drugs and alcohol were no longer masking my reality, I started to learn to take care of myself, to love myself and appreciate my gifts. I stopped outsourcing to have my needs met and started looking inward. Revealing what was behind the curtain was very gradual at first. I remember my aunt calling me selfish one day because I had something to do and I couldn’t do something for her. I saw how I would go to all Jack’s shows and promote his band, but he couldn’t support me with any of my endeavors. I noticed how my little sister never once asked me how I was doing, never once showed interest in anything I did. I saw how my mother never stopped by to see her grandkids when she was in town every other week getting her lashes done just two blocks from my place. I noticed how my aunt always had some suggestion to change something I was working on (“it’s great but it would be better if…”)  I saw how I was the only one making an effort, the only one showing up when I said I would. The only one making the plans for the family. The only one who had the balls to try to help our youngest brother Bobby who was struggling and everyone was tiptoeing around …

Because I set a boundary in an effort to help my brother, and in an effort to protect my kids who were being affected by his behavior, my brother Jack vilified me and ostracized me from his life, saying the meanest things to me that had probably been pent up for years. All to which my mother yelled at me that I was tearing her family apart, even quoting some of the bullshit Jack said to me (just for the record, I never thought I was a savior of anyone!) It was such an asinine exchange, and so blatantly absurd that it almost made it easy to emotionally and physically detach from all of them and their dysfunction. I had had enough and removed all of them from my life in one fell swoop. 

As I was deleting their contact information and removing connections on social media, I started to really clean house and look at anyone whom I felt obligated to. If it wasn’t a symbiotic relationship, it was removed.

All of this occurred on the night before the launch of Uniquely U. Here I was in this amazing moment in my life about to release this phenomenal platform that I built with blood, sweat, tears and faith that it could help light up the world, yet, the lack of support and enthusiasm from my family was palatable. It just felt yucky. I felt like I had to constantly prove myself to people who simply didn’t get me and didn’t want me to succeed. But you know what? The freedom I felt by removing each and every chain that bound me was fucking liberating. Prior to this fateful evening, I was so focused on those who didn’t approve of me that I didn’t even realize the beautiful people in my life that were loving me and that did SEE me. 

The next day, June 26, 2022, my two angel wings Dana (Uniquely U. Co-Founder/Chief Officer of Content+Curriculum/sister from another mister) and Cristen (Grajeda, Uniquely U. Director of Culture Enrichment + Global Support) sent me a gigantic, magnificent bouquet of (ORANGE AND PURPLE) flowers with the most touching message. I fell to my knees and cried. Then I received a link to something called a “Kudos Board” (view it here), and well, I just crumbled into a sobbing mess because here were all these people who believed in me, appreciated me, and were with me in that glorious moment (I am still reeling from all this love three months later!)

The polarity of the things my (mother’s) family said to me the night before compared to the things my friends and real family said to me on Launch Day made it crystal clear to me that I was indeed worthy to be loved, to feel safe, to be myself. I decided that I would no longer partake in relationships that didn’t serve my highest good, or that I would have the discernment to see the relationship for what it is worth and take it at face value, always putting my contentment first. 

This past summer has been the most peaceful, most enjoyable and most enriching summer of my life. Everything is simply better, with my kids and husband, my co-collaborator and UU. team, friends and extended family. I am content and happy. I am grateful, and I am sure as shit worthy of it all.